What is Grief?
How Can I help A Grieving Person?
How Long Does Grief Last?
What is the Worst Kind of Loss?
What is the Best Way to Work Through Grief?
Can you Explain What You Mean By Secondary Losses?
My Life Has Lost All Meaning, Can You Give Me Hope?
How Do I Know That a Grieving Person Needs Help?

What is grief?

Grief is a normal response to any significant loss. It is not a disease or a sickness. Nor should it be a sign of weakness or an indication of the fact that they are "not coping", as sadly it so often is. It is the natural, human response to any significant loss. People may encourage you to "be strong" or "not to cry". But how sad it would be if someone we cared about died and we didn't cry or we carried on as if nothing had happened.

I'd like to think that someone will miss me enough to shed a tear after I'm gone. Wouldn't you? When you lose someone special from your life you are going to grieve. Our grief is saying that we miss the person and that we're struggling to adjust to a life without that special relationship. Grief does not say we are weak, it says that we CARED! Admittedly, saying that grief is NORMAL does not minimize its DIFFICULTY. It may be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. But you are not crazy or weak, or "not handling things". You are experiencing grief and after a significant loss that is a normal response.

Top

How can I help a grieving person?

Each one of us has enormous potential to help a grieving person. Helping takes more than good intentions however. We need to know what to do. Here are a few simple suggestions. Be there. Sometimes we are concerned about what we can DO to assist others. But what is needed is for someone to be there. The gift of presence is one of the greatest things you can give to a person in grief. Listen. Let one lady describe her experience in the weeks after the death of her husband. "Alone in my house I longed for someone to call.

I watched from the window hoping that every car that slowed down and every set of footsteps was someone coming to visit. Anyone would have done. I wanted to talk. But when they came they seemed to talk about every other subject than the one most on my mind. Then I longed just as strongly that they would leave." Grieving people need to talk and for that to happen someone has to be willing to listen. Accept them unconditionally as wounded people.

Grief is like a wound that needs time and attention to heal. For the individual, it may feel like part of them is missing. They may be experiencing many unusual and uncharacteristic emotions and reactions.

The grieving person may look to see if we understand or if we are willing to accept them as hurting people before they share their hearts with us. Accept them as they are. Do not try to "fix" everything. They are not looking for answers or solutions at this point. Let them know they have permission to grieve and that you accept them in their weakness and vulnernability.

Be realistic about the help you can offer. While there is a lot you can do to help you cannot rectify the situation that is causing grief. Often what the grieving person wants the most is the return of that which is lost - and that is the one thing we cannot do. The best you can do is to make the experience better than it might have been if you had not been there. Let your care and concern show. We need to weep with those who weep and not try to be strong for the person.

Do not be afraid to show your own emotions at the loss. You can say "I find this difficult" or "I'm not sure what to say". Your grief at the situation normalizes their grief. For more good advice on how to help a grieving person, see Dr. Bill Webster's booklet, When Someone You Care About is Grieving.

Top

1 - 2 - 3 - Next