What is Grief?
How Can I help A Grieving Person?
How Long Does Grief Last?
What is the Worst Kind of Loss?
What is the Best Way to Work Through Grief?
Can you Explain What You Mean By Secondary Losses?
My Life Has Lost All Meaning, Can You Give Me Hope?
How Do I Know That a Grieving Person Needs Help?

How long does grief last?

I can answer that question as easily as I can tell you "How High is UP"? The truth is that there is no predictable orderly time frame for grief. Every individual has to go through it at their own pace. Some will take longer than others. Often, those who experience sudden and unexpected death have a longer period of adjustment, but again it is never wise to set any time frame for any individual or situation. There is possibly one fact that we can state confidently.

Your grief will take longer than most people think. But, how long will grief last? It is finished when it is finished. The first few months may be particularly intense. The first year is difficult: especially the first Christmas or Hanukkah, the first birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, "a year ago today day" and many other times that remind us of our loss.

All are difficult days and we need to anticipate them, know they are normal and be compassionate with ourselves. For your encouragement, grief does come and go. While it usually lasts longer than people expect, it will not be as intense, and you will find it will ease off. Take your time. As John Donne says, "He who has no time to mourn, has no time to mend." Grief always takes longer than people, who do not understand that it is a process, expect.

So allow yourself the time, and trust that your body, mind and spirit is taking the time it needs to heal. For more information on understanding the grief process, see all of Dr Webster's books, tapes and videos at our bookstore.

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What is the WORST kind of loss?

I am often asked this question as a counselor. Is it worse to lose a child or is it worse to lose a spouse. Is it worse to lose someone suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack or in an accident, or worse to lose someone after a long, lingering illness. On one level, there is no answer, but here's how I always respond. The worst kind of grief is YOURS. A loss is a very personal matter. Your loss seems like the worst possible thing that could have happened to you.

No matter who it is that has died, no matter what the circumstances, this situation feels like the worst thing that could have happened. Sometimes I have heard people say, "Others have it worse". I know they mean well, but you don't really care about anyone else right now. For you, this is the worst. While the circumstances make each loss different, they are not important. The worst kind of loss is yours. I do not believe in creating a "hierarchy of loss" whereby we say that my loss is worse than anyone elses.

When you lose a significant person from your life, whatever the relationship, it hurts and nothing takes away from your right to feel the loss and grief the absence of that person from your life. Top What is the most important factor in understanding grief? I have found in my experience that we cannot fully understand a person's grief until we have understood what has been lost. And what we most often lose is a relationship. So I feel the most important factor is this: Your grief is intimately connected to the relationship you are missing. Every relationship holds a special and unique significance to us.

To fully interpret our grief response we need to understand what the relationship brought to my life and therefore what has been lost from my life. We may grieve the loss of a parent differently from the loss of a friend. Each made a different contribution to our lives. What we have lost is not the same and so we grieve differently.

I am not simply referring to the "legal" definition of relationship. Two individuals, both experiencing the loss of a spouse, may grieve quite differently because of the differing circumstances (the duration, level of happiness etc) of the relationship.

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What is the best way to work through grief?

While many friends are supportive around the time of the death, grieving people often discover that support fades shortly after the funeral. Many people mistakenly believe that grief is so personal we want to keep it to ourselves. When someone is going through a bad time, we tend to leave them alone, often because their situation makes US feel uncomfortable.

We aren't quite sure what to say or do, and many end up saying and doing nothing. Afraid to say or do the wrong thing, many people say and do nothing, and this is possibly the worst thing.

I know many grieving people who feel quite abandoned after their loss, even though this is not the intention of their friends. Most people do not understand what is normal in grief, expecting us to get over it quickly and expressing these expectations in a way that seems less than sensitive. Effective grief work is not done alone. After a loss, people need to talk. To be more accurate, they need to talk and talk. Part of the resolution of grief is found in reviewing the events of the person's life and death, and reliving our memories.

Many people find grief support groups helpful. The opportunity to share with others of similar experience can help bring resolution. Yet, it is not easy. Often, we delay getting back into the swing of things because that would be to admit that life is going on without our loved one, and we may not be ready for that yet. If you have a friend with whom you can share, you are very fortunate.

Possibly you could talk to your minister, or to a grief counselor, or your local funeral home can direct you to professional resources. I believe in the power of shared experiences, and often others who have been through the deep places can be a real help. Grief is about coping with the loss of a relationship and often in a helping relationship, relief can be found.

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