What is Grief?
How Can I help A Grieving Person?
How Long Does Grief Last?
What is the Worst Kind of Loss?
What is the Best Way to Work Through Grief?
Can you Explain What You Mean By Secondary Losses?
My Life Has Lost All Meaning, Can You Give Me Hope?
How Do I Know That a Grieving Person Needs Help?

Can you explain what you mean by "Secondary Losses"?

The death of any individual, difficult as that may be by itself, may also precipitate many other changes in your life. A death is often referred to as a 'primary loss", but in fact there may be many other losses emerging out of that event, known as "secondary losses". Secondary losses are no less serious or difficult than primary losses. It is just that they are a result of the primary loss. For some it may mean the loss of financial security, a home, or even their independence.

For some it may mean the loss of a role: eg the role of being a parent to a child who dies, or as part of a couple. For others it may be the loss of our hopes and dreams of "living happily ever after" or enjoying retirement together, or having Dad walk me down the aisle.

To be fully able to understand the grief process, we need to ask, "What has been lost" and the response may be a far more complex one than we expect inasmuch as we may lose many things. There may be many losses as a result of the death - environment, status, alteration of relationships and others. Each one has its own impact and each loss needs to be mourned. Top How can I ever get over this loss?

There is good news and there is bad news. First, the bad news is that sometimes we don't get over it. When someone who has been an important and special part of your life dies, you realize life will never be the same again. Grief is painful. Loss is one of the most difficult human experiences. There is no easy way around it. We may try to avoid the pain.

We may attempt to get over it as quickly as possible. But most often it simply does not work that way. The good news is that while we may never get over it, we can get THROUGH it. I am convinced that grief, as difficult and painful as it can be, is a healing journey. Life may never be the same again, but it will go on, and we will find ways to reorganize ourselves to be able to adjust to a situation in which that special relationship is missing.

That does not mean we will never miss the person, or wish that they were still with us. It simply assumes that we will recognize the reality that life has changed and enable us to go on with life. The way out of grief is through it. Helen Keller said "The only way to get to the other side is to go through the door". We need to find the courage to go through this experience of grief. Learning this is a major key to recovery.

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My life has lost all meaning, can you give me hope?

There are no easy answers. Life is difficult. Grief is difficult. It is never easy to lose someone you have relied on. This is possibly the most difficult experience of your life. And I can understand that it may not seem fair or make any sense to you at this time. There's an ancient Warrior Song that says, "Life has meaning only in the struggle, Triumph or defeat is in the hands of God. So let us celebrate the struggle". One of the things I believe about life is that we always have a choice.

We may not be able to choose what happens, because most of you reading this would probably not have chosen what has happened. In some things, we have no choice. We had no choice in the death of our loved one, and much as we might like, that situation cannot be changed. But we do have a choice around what we do about it. We can choose to be bitter or better. We can choose to be victims or victors. Some people, after a loss, see themselves as victims. They refuse to struggle to come to terms with the situation. But it is as we struggle that we discover that in every loss there is a gain.

You didn't think you could make it, but suddenly you're discovering strength and resources you didn't know you had. Expectant mothers have labor pains, teenagers have growing pains, but out of that pain comes growth and life. That doesn't make the pain any easier, but it does help put it in a meaningful context. Life is full of problems. Each one has the potential to be a stepping stone or a stumbling block. Will the problem trip you up and be a barrier to your progress? Or will you allow it to become a stepping stone to growth and renewed life. Stepping stone or stumbling block. Both are made of the same material. What we do with them makes all the difference.

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How do I know a grieving person needs help?

There is no doubt that certain specific situations expose an individual to a higher risk for a complicated grief reaction. Traumatic situations such as accidents, suicide, violent death, and where the survivor was at risk themselves can often lead to a complicated mourning process. The loss of a child, infant or adult is always a very difficult loss.

Other factors may include a background of mental instability, or a history of serious and chronic medical problems. Additional life stresses such as divorce or the loss of a job, just to name a few, may contribute to complicating the process. Where the relationship was either highly dependent, or, perhaps surprisingly, highly ambivalent or troubled, people often have trouble in their adjustment.

Where there is a lack of support, or little recognition of the loss or the griever themselves, often called disenfranchised grief, the response can be complicated. Admittedly, it is far too simplistic to label all individuals who have these risk factors as candidates for "abnormal" grief responses. Also, even those without these risk factors are not immune to troubled processes of grief. Pathological grief is not a separate set of grief responses, but an intensification, a prolongation, or an inhibition of normal grief. The person often is "stuck" for one reason or another. So what could alert you to potential situations that may require counselling.

If the following changes in behavior are sustained with lasting intensity for 6 weeks to 4 months, they deserve careful scrutiny:

• major deterioration in personal hygiene habits
• difficulty in simple decision making
• expressions and manifestations of fear, anger or guilt
• hyperactivity or compulsive talking
• sustained memory problems and confusion
• hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not actually present)
• major disturbance of self-esteem, preoccupation with worthlessness, and self-condemnation
• significant impairment in social functioning
• initiating or increasing alcohol or drug abuse
• physical symptoms: failure to eat, continued weight loss extreme sleep problems

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For more helpful information on grief and grieving, check out Dr. Webster's books, tapes, and videos in our bookstore.

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