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My Story - Dana Ivan

My husband and I were planning our 25th wedding anniversary. We had more than six months in front of us and I wanted to have a big party. I was even seriously thinking about the dress. Life was good. We were very happily married, had two wonderful children and were both pursuing very successful careers. We were considered a success story. But life is unpredictable and everything changed in one night. With absolutely no warning, my universe collapsed and my life, the way I knew it, came to an end.

I was away on business when my husband called me on my cell from Home Depot. We were renovating and he wanted to buy a mirror but he didn’t know what shape I wanted. I was just going into a meeting, so I told him to wait until the next day when I was back in town. I called him back a few hours later and we chatted for a bit, made plans for the weekend and said good night to each other.

My cell phone rang again a few hours later. It was very early in the morning, but this time it was not my husband, it was my sister in law who was asking me to come home as soon as I could. She wouldn’t tell me why, but I knew … although how could it be possible? He had never been sick in his entire life, he was fine just a few hours before. A week ago we had a big party at our house and danced all night, I just could not accept or understand it.

What I felt at first:

I was back in Toronto a few hours later. He was no longer in the house. He had died in his sleep, without even opening his eyes. My husband was dead! That cannot be possible, there must be a mix-up! I didn’t believe it. I ordered an autopsy and yes, it was true, he died of a sudden heart attack. I read the report a million times and still could not believe it. How could I? How could this happen? Why him, why us? There must be something I can do? After a while, I realized that there was nothing I could do about the past and the only thing I could was to accept it and adapt to my situation. That wasn’t easy, and it took a lot of effort. I was numb for a very long time. I cried a lot, and I couldn’t eat or sleep. I felt abandoned and trapped in the darkness of my despair, but the absolute worst was that I missed him so much and he was gone when I needed him the most. What was I going to do? How was I going to live without him? What will happen to me? How was I going to manage on my own?

Then I started feeling sorry for myself and felt guilty as this shouldn’t be about me, it should be about him, but I was hurting. I couldn’t think of anything else and became fixated on my situation. I needed help and had no idea where to get it.

What helped:

I started reading anything that I could find on grieving and mourning. That helped me a lot as it gave me something to do without having to be distracted from my state of mind. I joined a bereavement group and that gave me real friends who could not only relate to me, but who I could talk to without being afraid that they would try to discipline me.

I ended up joining three support groups and started to socialize with those people, to the point that I even went on a cruise with my new friends. Going on a cruise without my husband was something I would have never even considered, but I did it and I enjoyed it. These new friends became my lifeline.

I found a lot of comfort in designing the funeral monument. It took me a long time to decide on the stone itself and what I was going to write. I don’t know whether I could not do it easily because I could not accept that he was dead, but I decided to take my time and one year later I managed to have it done. It is beautiful and it is exactly what I wanted. I am sure he would have liked it and I feel that my last tribute to my husband expresses the beauty of our marriage. It was a very consuming exercise, but I take a lot of comfort and pride in just looking at it. Interestingly enough, this was the first time I was doing something so very important without asking him for advice and help.

I have found a lot of help in talking with other widows and keeping a journal. Writing in my journal felt like talking to a very good friend, being totally honest and never being judged. I would recommend not only keeping a journal, but also going back and reading what was written the year before. I found this exercise extremely helpful and encouraging in measuring my progress. It gave me a whole new perspective on how much I have evolved.

What I learned:

I learned that I have an incredible ability to adapt. I discovered that I can do things I have never imagined I would have to do, and I am OK. I learned to have faith in myself and that yes, I can manage on my own. I am actually very proud of what I have achieved.

I learned that I was blessed with an extraordinary life with my husband and that his memory will always warm my heart, even though he is no longer here. I did go through this horrible journey of losing him, but I made it.

What I suggest:

If I was to give any advice based on my personal experience, I would encourage anyone going through such a terrible loss, to take each day at a time and to accept that life does go on. For the first year, all I was planning was to go through the day. I refused to think about tomorrow and that helped me become less anxious.

As I am starting to move on after almost three years, it is still very painful, but I have accepted that my husband is gone and that I have moved to another phase of my life. I have not chosen to be where I am, but this is where I am and I need to work with that.

My husband’s legacy is still very much alive, but I am rebuilding my life around the new me and I have managed to pick up the pieces and move on.

The new me will always have that precious memory close to my heart and although I surprise myself with gestures or thoughts that I know he would have had, I am a new person with new interests and needs. I am enjoying the simple things that life can offer. I value every moment and everything that I have, and I focus on the future. For a long time I lived in the past and didn’t even consider thinking about the future. Now I am open to explore new things and I feel whole again. I cannot say that I am completely at peace or that I am no longer needy, but I found my balance and I am trying to fill the terrible void he has left, and the most important thing is that now I know that the sun always rises.