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My Story - Dr. Bill Webster

I met Carolyn in England while a student at London University. As soon as I saw this beautiful Canadian girl, it was love at first sight … for me at least. Carolyn needed a lot more persuasion that I was the man of her dreams, but when we got married, I thought that all we had to do was to live happily ever after. That dream came to a rude awakening when 11 years later, Carolyn died suddenly and completely unexpectedly of a heart attack. She did not have a history of heart problems, and her death came as a complete shock, right out of the blue.

What I Felt First

When Carolyn died, it all felt so unreal. I thought it was a mistake, or that I was going to waken up and find to my relief that this was just a bad dream. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it.

I got through the days of the funeral, and people thought I was doing well. They commended me that I was “Coping so wonderfully.” And that I was “So Strong.” But in fact I was not strong, I was numb. I kept busy and seemed to be doing well for a number of weeks, but then the numbness wore off, and I began to feel the full emotional impact of my loss. I felt overwhelmed by an avalanche of feelings that frankly surprised me.

What Helped Me

When that numbness wore off, I began to feel anxious, confused, forgetful, fatigued, irritable, restless, angry, guilty, and it felt like my emotions literally exploded inside me. What made it worse was that many people who had thought I was strong now seemed to be asking “What’s WRONG”. They saw this as a problem, and I felt like I was not living up to everyone’s expectations of how well I should be doing.

What did help was the support of one good friend, who met with me every week for lunch. He never gave advice or told me what to do. He listened. He took a “I can’t imagine what you must be going through so teach me” attitude, which I appreciated.

What I Learned

Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned from my wife’s death had to do with PRIORITIES. I felt so guilty after Carolyn died that in my busy life and career, we had not spent nearly as much time together as we should, doing the things we would have loved to have done. So many of our plans were left unfulfilled.

I made up my mind that I would focus on what was important, and to me, that was taking care of our two boys who at the time were 9 and 7. I remember one person asking me how this was affecting my career, and I responded that at the end of life, few people wish they spent more time at the office … most wish they had smelled the roses more. That’s what I learned, and applied to my life for the next 10 years looking after the boys.

What I Suggest:

I think everyone should feel free to work through grief in a way that is right for them, and that may be different from anyone else. We need to give ourselves permission to grieve. Grief, after all is not a sign of weakness but a sign we CARED. We should give ourselves the time we need and be patient with ourselves. Grief usually takes much longer than other people seem to think.

It is also not a sign of weakness to seek out some help. Whether that is a support group, a counselor, talking with a friend or getting information about grief from a book or a web site, we need to gather all the resources we can draw upon and get the help we need. It is better if we don’t try to do it alone, and much better if we can do it all without guilt.