For Friends and Family

How can I help someone who is grieving?
Things to keep in mind
Do's and Don'ts when helping someone
Good Grief! How can I Help?

Good Grief!  How Can I Help?
   by Dr. Bill Webster

Perhaps the most often asked questions I face as a grief counselor are asked by people who want to know “what can I say or do, how can I help?”.  Many of us struggle to know how we can effectively help a friend or a family member who has lost someone they care about.  Because of the reality of the death is frequently denied and the impact of grief minimized, and because we have not learned what to expect after a significant loss the grief experience often surprises people.  It’s intensity, longevity, and unpredictability catches us unawares.  

William Shakespeare once wrote “Everyone can master a grief, but he that has it”.  It is certainly easier to write and talk about grief from the spectator’s gallery.  So I asked some people who were going through grief to share what they would want to say to friends and family about their experience.  The following are a few of their quotes. 

“Please don’t treat me differently.  Act natural.  Don’t be afraid to mention the person’s name. I want to talk about the person and the relationship we shared.  So don’t change the subject if you see me cry.”

“Whatever you do is nice and I appreciate it.  Yet you need to understand that it is only a small help, because I’ve lost something, and all I really want is to have it back.”

“I found I had a complete lack of strength.  For six months I had no energy and when I realized I did not seem able to do ordinary things, I panicked.  All I could think was ‘help!’”

“Make a point of calling even if you do not have anything to talk about.  The content is not important.  Even a visit, a note, or a regular phone call will let me know I am not forgotten.”

“The world moves so fast, but I’ve slowed down a bit.  Be patient.  People seem in such a hurry to get me back to normal. Don’t rush me, I’m going as fast as I can.”

Each one of us has enormous potential to help a grieving person.  Helping takes more than good intentions however.  We need to know what to do.  So here are a few simple suggestions. 

Be there.  Sometimes we are concerned about what we can DO to assist others.  But what is needed is for someone to be there.  The gift of presence is one of the greatest things you can give to a person in grief. 

Listen.  Let one lady describe her experience in the weeks after the death of her husband.  “Alone in my house I long for someone to call.  I watch from the window hoping that every car that slowed down and every set of footsteps was someone coming to visit.  Anyone would have done.  I wanted to talk.  But when they came they seemed to talk about every other subject than the one most on my mind.  Then I longed just as strongly that they would leave.”  Grieving people need to talk and for that to happen someone has to be willing to listen.

Accept them unconditionally as wounded people.  Grief is like a wound that needs time and attention to heal.  For the individual it may feel like part of them is missing.  They may be experiencing many unusual and uncharacteristic emotions and reactions.  The grieving person may look to see if we understand or if we are willing to accept them as hurting people before they share their hearts with us.  Accept them as they are.  Do not try to “fix” everything. They are not looking for answers or solutions at this point.  Let them know they have permission to grieve and that you accept them in their weakness and vulnerability. 

Be realistic about the help you can offer.  While there is a lot you can do to help you cannot rectify the situation that is causing the grief.  Often what the grieving person wants the most is the return of that which is lost - and that is the one thing we cannot do.  The best you can do is to make the experience better than it might have been if you had not been there. 

Let your care and concern show.  We need to weep with those who weep and not try to be strong for the person.  Do not be afraid to show your own emotions at the loss.  You can say “I find this difficult” or “I’m not sure what to say”.  Your grief at the situation normalizes their grief. 

Losing someone can be one of the most difficult experiences of life.  Helping someone who is hurt involves more than a few good deeds, thoughtful as they may be.  You may have to give more time, more care, and more of yourself than you imagined.  You will require wisdom and insight to perceive the special needs of the person and use creativity to meet those needs. 

Nevertheless do not be discouraged.  You cannot “fix people”, but we can offer comfort.  Be a friend and walk alongside letting them know that they are not alone.  If you can make the situation better by being there, you will have done well.  You will have made a difference in someone’s life, and this after all, is the greatest reward.