For Friends and Family

How can I help someone who is grieving?
Things to keep in mind
Do's and Don'ts when helping someone
Good Grief! How can I Help?

How Can I Help Someone who is Grieving?

Each one of us has enormous potential to help a grieving person.  Helping takes more than good intentions, however.  We need to know what to do.

Many of us struggle to know how we can effectively help someone who has lost someone they care about.  Because death is frequently denied and grief minimized, and because we have not learned what to expect after a significant loss, the grief experience often surprises us. Its intensity, longevity and unpredictability catches us unawares.

I believe grieving people need THREE THINGS:

1.       Education.

Because we live in a death denying culture, people don’t often talk or like to think about grief. Inevitably, it catches us by surprise. Because we haven’t learned what to expect, the intensity of the emotions and the grief reaction leads people to wonder if they are doing it right. This is especially aggravated by well intentioned must misguided people who tell the griever to “pull themselves together” or to “be strong”.

Most often the griever does NOT feel they are doing well. They wonder if they are losing their minds, because they can’t concentrate, and forgetful and confused. They question their sanity because of anxiety, vulnerability and a host of overwhelming emotions. It comes as a HUGE relief when they learn that grief is a natural albeit difficult response to a loss. Just knowing that they are NOT crazy often frees people up to work through the grief issues to reconciliation.

GriefJourney.com offers education in our books, tapes and resources. We have a “First Aid Kit for Grievers” which is a package of materials which you can obtain for the people you are concerned about. Click here

2.       Empathy

Empathy means the ability to see the world, not as it is to us, but as it is to the grieving person. Their world has changed … indeed it may seem like it is shattered. Empathy means to walk a mile in THEIR shoes … to find out what their world looks like to THEM and be willing to accept that they are wounded and in need of help.

GriefJourney.com offers empathy and understanding. We offer the individual the opportunity to read excellent materials; to watch empathetic videos and programmes; and to share with others who have had a similar experience in our “let’s talk” feature.

3.       Support

When a person is in crisis, they know that they need help from outside themselves. The good news is that they are usually very open to help from people who offer. The fact you are reading this tells me you are such a person. Thank you in anticipation of the support you are willing to offer someone. We will try to resource you and give you the information and tools you require. If there is an issue we DON’T address on the site, e mail me at askdrbill@griefjourney.com and I will attempt to provide whatever resources I can.

GriefJourney.com provides support with our articles and features. But we also invite people to join Dr Bill’s own online support programme. You can find the details of this ongoing resource at (click)
 

So, what would be helpful?

Sometimes I learn more from grieving people themselves than from textbooks. Here are a few suggestions made by a group of grieving people themselves:

• “Help me go through my grief, not just get over it.

• “When people were considerate of me, I appreciated it, as I felt so fragile.”

• “Please listen to me when I want to talk about my loss – even though you may hear the same story many times”.

• “Be there to listen, not give suggestions or should do’s”.

• “As me what I want, don’t tell me what you think is best for me”.

• “Do find out when my difficult times are, and call me, or let me call you during such times”.

• “Don’t say ‘we must get together sometime’.  If you mean it, be definite”.

• “Offer an invitation to join you in your plans”.

Helping a friend in grief

Listen to what they say, verbally and non verbally:
Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judgment are important helping tools. Don't worry so much about what you'll say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you. They express feelings which can give you much insight into what the person is really communicating.

Show Empathy

Give your friend permission to express their feelings without fear of criticism or rebuke. Don't try to set expectations about how they should be responding. Never say, "I know how you feel." You don't. Learn from your friend. Try to see the world from THEIR perspective, which is probably very different from yours. Think of yourself as someone who walks alongside, not pushing from behind or dragging from out front.

Be there

Your ongoing, reliable presence is the most important gift you can give your grieving friend. While you can't take the pain away, you can enter into it through being there for them. Remain available in the weeks, months, and years to come. Remember that your friend may need you more later on than at the time of the actual death.