For Friends and Family

How can I help someone who is grieving?
Things to keep in mind
Do's and Don'ts when helping someone
Good Grief! How can I Help?

Things to Keep in Mind
(When Helping a Grieving Person)

“I’d love to help, but I just don’t know what to say or do!”

I am sure you can identify with that statement. When friends, neighbours or colleagues experience the death of someone they cared about, our hearts go out to them. We long to bring some comfort or assistance.

Yet we are never sure how to go about it. Should I talk about what has happened, or talk about more pleasant topics? What if I say the wrong thing? What do I do if someone cries or becomes emotional?

It all feels so awkward. Perhaps, you may conclude, it might just be best to leave them alone. Yet this may be the worst thing of all.

Losing someone you care about can be one of the most difficult experiences of life. What compounds the problem is that shortly after the time of the funeral, grieving people often feel abandoned, wondering if people really care. Most do, of course, but out of discomfort with not knowing what to do, they often avoid the situation.

Because we do not talk about it in our “death denying” culture, grief often catches us completely by surprise. Since we have not learned what to expect, the intensity, longevity and unpredictability of the process can catch us unawares.

Many people, days, weeks or even months after the actual death may actually feel like they are going crazy. The may be feeling worse a few weeks later than they did at the time. Sadly, it is when others think they should be getting themselves together, that the grieving person often feels like they are falling apart. They may not know where to turn.

Each one of us has enormous potential to help a grieving person, although helping takes more than good intentions. William Shakespeare once wrote “Everyone can master a grief, but he that has it”.  It is certainly easier to talk about grief from the spectator’s gallery. Therefore we will learn from the words that grieving people shared about their experience. 

So here are 10 simple suggestions to help us know what to do.  My ideas are complemented by some “Helping Principles” and “Quotes” from grieving people themselves.

1.       Be there.

Sometimes we are concerned about what we can do to assist others, when the best help is simply to be there. After my wife died, I remember very little of what people said or did. What I do remember is that certain people were there for me. The gift of presence is one of the greatest things you can give to a person in grief and should never be underestimated.

Some may downplay the importance of just being there. Don’t! It means more to the person than you will realize. Don’t worry about what you should say. What can you say that is going to make it all better?  No words are sufficient. So just let the person know you care by your presence.

We may worry whether our assistance is wanted. Grieving people are usually very open to receiving help and tend to reach out to whatever help is offered. Because they perceive that support must come from outside themselves, your approach will probably be welcomed.  So, don’t wait or hesitate.

Don’t just support the person for the days of the funeral or for a short time afterwards. Many grieving people feel abandoned after a short while when people don’t call or follow through on promised visits. Grieving people remember these offers and feel hurt when they are not fulfilled. Keep in touch from time to time, especially on weekends, or at times you know will be particularly difficult.

Principle: Better to call too soon and have to call back later, than to call too late!

1. Quote:

                   “Make a point of calling even if you do not have anything to talk about.  The content is not important.  Even a visit, a note, or a regular phone call will let me know I am not forgotten.”

Be there to listen, not to give advice or a lot of “should do’s”

2.       Listen. 

Let one lady describe her experience in the weeks after the death of her husband: 
“Alone in my house I long for someone to call.  I watch from the window hoping that every car that slowed down and every set of footsteps was someone coming to visit.  Anyone would have done.  I wanted to talk.  But when they came they seemed to talk about every other subject than the one most on my mind.  Then I longed just as strongly that they would leave.” 

Grieving people need to talk and for that to happen someone has to be willing to listen. That may mean listening to the same stories and events over and over. Repetition is an important tool which enables the grieving person to come to terms with what at first seems unbelievable.

Principle: If you are doing most of the talking, you may not be helping.

Quote:       

Please listen to me when I want to talk about my loss, even though you may hear the same story many times.

3.       Don’t treat the person differently.

When people are grieving, others often unconsciously react to them in ways that don’t seem natural. We may try to protect them, or treat them as if we were walking on eggshells.

When something changes in one’s life, one struggles to hold on to what one still has or is. People don’t change even when situations or circumstances change. So try to be natural. If you used to joke with this person, or if you enjoyed a good discussion or debate, do what you always did. This will help them to know that you are regarding them as the same as before.

          Principle:    People don’t change just because circumstances do.

Quote: “Please don’t treat me differently.  Act natural.  Don’t be afraid to mention the person’s name. I want to talk about the person and the relationship we shared.  So don’t change the subject if you see me cry.”

4.       Help to the person remember, not forget

It can sometimes take months for the reality that someone has gone to sink in. What helps people work through the grieving process is when others are willing to allow them to talk. Reality comes by repetition. The griever needs repeated opportunities to talk about and process the many different feelings about their loss and its consequences. Giving words to sorrow is important. Encourage verbalization of feelings and reliving of memories. Admittedly, just talking about even the wonderful times of the relationship can be painful but the opportunity to review the memories of the relationship over and over. It is by repeatedly reviewing these circumstances that the finality of the death is eventually accepted. This enables the person to put the past into perspective, which is what they have to do before they are able to turn their attention to the future.

Principle:    Grief invites us to remember, not forget

Quote:        Tell me your stories of the person … the humorous incidents, the things you appreciated about them. When my son’s business colleagues shared their stories, I was very touched and felt very proud. It helped me see another side of my son. Tell the stories of the person you knew, for that may help me gain insights I never had.” 

5.       Make a specific offer of help

1.  Don’t ask people to “let you know” if you can help. They don’t know WHAT they need right now, and probably won’t call. Try to assess, “What might they need right now,” and offer “Can I come and do THIS for you.” Be specific, and even if that is refused, call again later with some other definite suggestion. 

Principle: What would I want, or need, if I were in this situation

Quotes:       “I found I had a complete lack of strength.  For six months I had no energy and when I realized I did not seem able to do ordinary things, I panicked.  All I could think was ‘help!’”

Don’t say ‘we must get together sometime’. If you mean it, be definite. 

6.       Let your care and concern show.
Do not be afraid to show your own emotions at the loss.  Being strong for the person may say you don’t care. You can say “I find this difficult” or “I’m not sure what to say”.  Your grief at the situation normalizes their grief.  On the other hand, you need to ensure that your reaction is a direct response to the present situation, and not a reflection of your own personal issues. Often seeing a grieving person can remind of us of own losses. Remember, you are there to help someone deal with their grief, not deal with your own over this or some previous loss. Make sure you are doing this for the griever’s benefit, not your own.

Principle: Even if they do not respond today, people will remember that you cared enough to ask.

Quote:        “When some people came to visit, they would tell me their story about some aunt that died years before. Frankly, I didn’t have the energy. I have enough to think about with my own grief, so I really wasn’t interested when people told me about theirs.”

7.       Accept them unconditionally as wounded people.

Grief is like a wound that needs time and attention to heal.  For the individual it may feel like part of them is missing.  They may be experiencing many unusual and uncharacteristic emotions and reactions.  Let them know what is “normal” through books and resources about grief. The grieving person may look to see if we understand or if we are willing to accept them as hurting people before they share their hearts with us.  Accept them as they are.  Do not try to “fix” everything. They are not looking for answers or solutions at this point.  Let them know they have permission to grieve and that you accept them in their weakness and vulnerability. Interpret “normal” behaviour, letting the person know that even though their reactions may seem strange and uncharacteristic to them, there is a reason for it. Legitimizing the grief process and the associated reactions is often the greatest gift we can give

Principle:    “Your attitude speaks volumes”
         
Quote:        “The world moves so fast, but I’ve slowed down a bit.  Be patient.  People seem in such a hurry to get me back to normal. Don’t rush me, I’m going as fast as I can.”

8.       Be realistic about the help you can offer.

1. While there is a lot you can do to help, you cannot rectify the situation that is causing the grief.  Often what the grieving person wants the most is the return of that which is lost - and that is the one thing we cannot do.  The best you can do is to make the experience better than it might have been if you had not been there.  The person may be angry, seemingly at all kinds of things. Usually what they are REALLY angry about is that their loved one has died and there is nothing they can do about it. Because you cannot change the situation and bring the person back, you may have to occasionally tolerate angry responses. The person is not angry at you, it is just easier to focus anger on a living person who is a convenient target than to direct anger where it really belongs. Admittedly it is easier to express that principle than it is to experience it. You may be hurt by misdirected anger or unkind comments, but hopefully you will care enough to see that the person is floundering and probably will later regret saying these things and be thankful that you were willing to be understanding.

Principle:    No-one rises higher than when they reach out and lend a hand to someone who is down
         
Quotes:       “Whatever you do is nice and I appreciate it.  Yet you need to understand that it is only a small help, because I’ve lost something, and all I really want is to have it back.”

Try to understand what I have lost. Not only have I lost someone I cared about, I have lost a relationship, someone who cared about me. I’ve lost my hopes and dreams, and many other things. Sometimes it feels like I have lost everything. I know I haven’t, but it feels like I have. 

9.       Be aware of difficult days

1.  Remember that grief does not come all at once, and often special days like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries can be particularly difficult. The grieving person may miss the opportunity to do something special for a loved one on their birthday, and even on the griever’s birthday it can be difficult to realize there won’t be a card or a gift from that person. Anniversary occasions and days like Valentines day, Mother’s day or Christmas can present their own struggles. Even those “a year ago today” days can bring back many memories.
2.  How can you help support the person on these days?
3.  A card, a phone call, a visit, an invitation out for lunch or coffee can not only ease the unhappiness, but also reassure them they are not forgotten. Sometimes the anticipation of these special occasions can be even worse than the day itself, and the times before or after can be emotional.

Principle:    Grief comes and goes. Just because someone seems to be doing better today does not mean that grief won’t flare up again later.

Quote:        “No-one mourns exactly the way I do. I need to do what is right for me, right now. So if I seem not to be doing so well today, why not ask me what I am feeling. Maybe there is a reason why I’m having a bad day.” 

10.     Continue support throughout process.
Grief takes time. When people ask me how long the grief process lasts, I have two answers. First, it always takes longer than people who haven’t been through it seem to think. Second, there is no time limit and people need to take the time they need to work through all the issues. Truly, it ain’t over till it’s over!

The problem is that often the support that people receive at the time of the death can all too quickly dissipate as people return to their lives and their normality. If you will make a commitment to support this person for at least one year, they have a true and understanding friend in you.

For it will take a whole year of “firsts” … first birthday, first Christmas, first everything, for the grieving individual to work through. They may not need you every day, or even every single week of that year. But there will be times. Grief support is a long term commitment. There is always a cost to that, which you need to decide if you are willing to pay

But the rewards of seeing someone come through a difficult situation and finding life again …. Priceless!