Profiles - People on the Journey

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My Story - Frank Nardi

May 1, 1980, Nicole Mary Nardi was born. And if you thought my parents were happy, well you should've seen my brother, John, and I. She was so tiny then, so helpless, and so beautiful. John and I immediately went from combatants to protectors. Nicole was our little treasure, to protect from the world. Yes we spoiled her, we all did, and why not? She was so precious; you would have done the same. The memories of those years still cloud my mind, still bring a tear to my eye.

Two weeks after Nicole's 18th birthday is when we received the devastating news. She hadn't been feeling right for a bit and finally a doctor started poking around to find what could be the cause of her lethargy. None of us could have even dreamed of what the diagnosis would end up being. A very rare form of cancer was attacking our precious, beautiful little treasure. As a protector you prepare yourself for physical battles, for facing the enemy, but what could John and I do now? Who were we going to battle to protect her? How could we get this demon out of her? I prayed night and day to have the disease leave her body and come into mine, since it was so hungry for a victim.

What I felt at first:

At first, all I felt was fear. Fear for Nicole, and fear for myself. I had grown accustomed to having a sister, and now I was facing a bleak future without one. I was afraid for Nicole because we didn't know what she would go through. She was so young, her whole life was laid bare before her, and now that was being snatched away from her. It was so very unfair. My feelings quickly changed to that of pure rage. I was furious. At who was I furious? I'm still not exactly sure about that. Was it God? Was it her? Or was I mad at myself for letting this happen to her? I still haven't figured that out, one-day maybe, then hopefully I'll get the answers I'm still looking for.

Believe me when I say we tried everything in our power to help her. Trips to Minnesota (The Mayo Clinic), emergency trips to Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto. Chemo, radiation, surgeries, holistic treatments, we tried everything, and she accepted it all. To this day I'm still amazed at what Nicole went through, and how she took it all with such a fight, well it defies words actually. Truly something you had to witness to really believe how hard she fought. On August 8th, 15 months after her initial diagnosis, lying in a hospital bed, with her dearest of family members surrounding her, Nicole left this plain of existence to begin her journey anew. I can still feel her hand in mine as she took her last breath.

What helped:

Little did we know that our journey would begin anew as well. It's been a long hard road. At first I didn't know how to cope, I still don't actually. But at that time, with the pain still so very fresh and raw, I turned to alcohol, and drank myself silly for about 2+ years. It didn't help, but it made sleeping much easier.

One day I finally woke up and realized that this wasn't helping. And that everyday I wasted was a slap to Nicole's beautiful face. So I did my best to clean up and start living my life again. The road has been very painful and of course filled with valleys and peaks. And there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of Nicole. There isn't a day that goes by that something or someone happens that reminds me of Nicole. The pain is still so raw; the empty void left by her death is still so black and empty. But I just have to keep moving along. Yes I wish the earth had stopped, but it's a painful realization that has shown me not only has the world not stopped, but also some people actually don't care. Hard to believe yes, but it's their defense mechanism, their not caring keeps them distant from the pain. I can understand that and don't really harbour nasty feelings towards those people or the world, anymore.

I guess the best thing that came of Nicole's passing is it brought my family much closer together. And that has helped a lot. Plus I've found a whole new set of friends that let me talk about Nicole, about what we went through, I talk and they listen, and then vice versa. To know I'm not alone in this pain has helped as well.

What I learned:

A friend of mine lost her best friend a while ago, and she is going through what I have described and all I can tell her is; yes the pain will subside with time, don't get mad at the people who seem to have gotten over it, talk about your feelings, and know that it's okay to take your time with your own healings.

What I suggest:

Funny thing about advice, you never heed your own. But in hindsight this is what has helped me. The pain although still fresh, has eased slightly and I am yet again a functioning human being. I've released my anger and jealousy directed at the people who have gotten over their losses quickly. I've started talking about how I feel about her leaving us, which helps tremendously. And I've accepted the fact that this "road to recovery" will probably consume the rest of my life. But that doesn't scare me anymore, because the memories are becoming clearer, the happy times and the sad times, they are all becoming a solid part of who I am today.