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Update from Ian: May 2007

More than a year has gone by now since I first wrote “My Story’’ about Jenny and it is hard to believe that more than two years have also gone by since I lost her in January 2005.

So how do I feel now? Well I can tell you I still miss her every single day of the week but I also have come to realize that the pain I feel can only be measured by the love we had for one another and I would not trade that love for anything.

What have I been doing? I designed a one hour long slide show dedicated to Jenny complete with her most favourite songs and some really priceless photos portraying her life from her teenage years and our life together right up to the most recent photos in 2004. I burned this to DVD and shared this with family and friends all over Canada and the U.K. Now I can listen to music again something I could not do a year ago so I consider this to be a real positive in my road trip through grief.

What else? I attended every grief meeting counseled by my friend Bill Webster for more than two years, not that I was not coping but I wanted to give back to the groups some of what was passed on to me by other people who had shared similar losses, doing this in some small way also made me feel good about myself. I have decided I have now reached a time in my life for me to gradually move away from the main group but I do meet regularly with some very important friends that I met and as long as they need me I will be there for them.

So what now? I am slowly moving through this grief process in my own time and I know in my heart that I have made a lot of progress in the past year, I also know there is a long way for me to go yet and I am learning to be patient with myself.

There is an old saying that Jenny would keep telling me whenever I would show signs of becoming impatient with things in life. It goes something like this,

“ Patience is a virtue possess it if you can.
   Seldom found in women but never in a man.’’ you know something, she may be right about that.
 
Finally, I would like to thank some people for standing by me and giving me support and love through this very difficult time and providing me with a new road map for the future.
My friend Rev. Karen Anne Fox
My friends at Grief Journey
My friends at Arbor
My friends at my groups
My counselors Bill and Christine
My Family and my wife Jenny who inspires me every single day of the week, thank you I love you all, God Bless.

My Story - Ian Williams

Jenny was born in Dundee Scotland November 25th, 1935 and a short 9 months later and half a mile away I also entered the world. Little did I know then how much our lives would intertwine and impact on each other. At the age of 5, our mothers would take us out on Saturday night to a weekend social club. It was the war time years and a time for being together. I can’t say I really knew Jenny then, but our lives were about to run a parallel course. As the war intensified our family was evacuated further up the coast to a town named Stonehaven. Jenny went there also and after the war when we returned to Dundee, we both ended up attending the same school as teenagers. Although we shared the same teachers and friends, we still did not know one another, but that was about to change and our lives would become one life forever. I was 18 years old and working as a male nurse in a respiratory hospital called Ashludie when I first laid eyes on Jenny. She was visiting her Dad and he was one of my patients and as she approached the ward by herself, I can still recall the red coat she was wearing and the white hankie wiping the tears away from her eyes. She had just got some bad news from the doctor and I could see she needed a little help. It was just a matter of time until we fell in love. We were barely out of our teen years when we were married on January 28th 1956. We were inseparable. Jenny was my wife, my lover, the mother of our children and grandmother, but most of all she was my best friend and stood by me for 50 years. We came to Canada in 1973 and in 1994 and 1995 Jenny was admitted to hospital with breathing problems, but was released after about a week on each occasion and remained out of hospital for 9 years. Jenny also had sleep apnea but had learned how to cope with. It wasn’t until early February 2004 that things started to go wrong. She fell and broke a shoulder and suffered intense bruising down her side and even though she made a recovery, her health in general started to decline and by October she was admitted to hospital and then released one week later. I thought things were going to be like they were in 1995, but this time it was different, Jenny had to go into intensive care in a hospital ward 12 feet x 12 feet with no windows where she would remain for 12 weeks, 11 of them on a ventilator. The circle was now almost complete only this time I was the one getting the bad news from the doctor and with tears in my eyes watching my wife become devastated as I had to tell an alert and otherwise healthy woman of her condition and the decision she had to face. In my opinion, Jenny made a brave and right decision to come off the ventilator, though by the way she looked at me, I knew she would have remained on it if I had asked her. That’s how unselfish she was. Two days earlier was our 49th Anniversary and we still had hope. Now every thing was about to change and in one more day, I would lose Jenny forever. Our lifespan was now complete, our relationship had began and ended in a respiratory hospital.

What I felt at first:

Disbelieve, intense shock, struggling to find answers, fear of being alone.

What helped:

Being made aware of and introduced to a grief support group and learning how to try and cope as explained to that group by Dr.Bill Webster. A very big help was also the fact that Jenny and I had prearranged our funeral services and I was able to carry out her last wishes right to the letter.

What I learned:

Most of all, to know what is happening to me, to understand the reasons why I feel this way. To try and share these reasons with my family and grandkids and to listen to them when they are having grief attacks. Between all of us, try and talk our way through this very difficult time when you lose someone you love.

What I suggest:

It is just over one year since Jenny died and I truly believe that I am still not in a position to make suggestions to others as I am still struggling deeply with guilt. Namely, I keep thinking back to the day Jenny fell and broke her shoulder and if I had been at her side, I would not be writing this today. On the other side of the coin, it may be that nothing would have changed. What I can say that helps me is talking to other members in my grief support group. Going back for follow up meetings on a regular basis and talking and keeping in touch with Karen Anne Fox, the chaplain. Also, talking to the family doctor and praying and keeping my faith and knowing I will be with Jenny again.