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Update from Josie: November 2007

The Next Phase

I’m OK. I didn’t believe that I would be able to say that and actually mean it. It’s been just over three years since my husband, David, died suddenly and I can honestly say that I’m doing OK.  It’s been a long process, but at some point in time, I stopped counting the days and months since David died. I started waking up in the morning without that leaden feeling in my stomach and I slowly began looking forward to holidays and birthdays. I gained more confidence in myself when making major decisions, which I would have always made in consultation with David.  I would have never anticipated that life would eventually fall into a “new normal”.

I learned to enjoy my own company. I was initially so devastated and couldn’t fathom how I would ever be able to be on my own. The thought of the future was so overwhelming, I couldn’t think of anything beyond the next day. I’m still not sure what the future will bring, but it is no longer a deep dark tunnel.

I even ventured back on to the dating scene and have been fortunate in meeting a wonderful, kind person that has similar interests as mine. It was a difficult move that I was hesitant to make, but it was the right move for me. I admit there were a few minefields along the way. One member of David’s family was very displeased that I would consider dating someone else and questioned my love for David. I felt guilt and angst, however once I explored my own feelings, I realized that part of the reason that I would like to meet another companion, was because of the wonderful relationship I had had with David. David wasn’t coming back, no matter how much I wished it, and I felt that looking forward was a step in the right direction.

I’ve learned that life is an ever changing kaleidoscope and each phase is an adventure (not necessarily pleasant, albeit an adventure none the less). My friends and family were an amazing source of support, love and patience and I turned to them often. Dr. Webster’s grief group was an amazing resource, which I would highly recommend. I have made some lasting friendships which proved invaluable during difficult moments. I no longer feel the need to attend the group meetings, but I still meet with some of the dear friends I made on a regular basis.

I will always miss David.  He is thought of and spoken of often, but with a peaceful, happy heart. My children and I laugh and reminisce and often contemplate how David would have reacted to a current situation. I am grateful for the wonderful time we shared, and while it wasn’t long enough it definitely was a thrilling time that I was very blessed and lucky to have had.

Love is a circle which never ends.

My Story - Josie Service

I remember the first time I danced with David; I felt a wonderful sense of belonging when I was in his arms. We had a wonderful courtship and married our two families together in October 1994. This was a second marriage for both of us and we each brought two children into the marriage. Life proved challenging sometimes, but we blended our two families with love and patience and soon we were no longer two families, but one large one. We both felt blessed that life had given us a second chance at love and happiness. David gave me the courage to try new things in life, the strength to handle my son’s kidney transplant, and hope for the future.

David also gave me the love of Cottage Country. He convinced me early in our marriage that owning a cottage was really a necessity of life. I overcame my fear of mice, learned how to start campfires, became adept at swatting mosquitoes, learned how to bathe in the river and generally enjoyed cottage life. A tree had fallen and hit the cottage, so on April 2, 2004 David went up to assess the damage. He called me at 9:45 pm that night to tell me that he was so happy because the repair would be easier than he thought and that he’d be home early on Saturday so we could go out for dinner. He told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. They were the last words that we would speak to each other. The following day, I didn’t get my usual call from David. By the evening I was frantic.

I called people that I knew up North, but because it was early in the spring, no one was available. I finally got hold of a neighbour who lives there year round and he told me that he’d go and check on David. The next call I received was from the OPP, telling me that my husband was dead. I was sure that they had made a mistake and it couldn’t be my husband that they were calling about. In the next few days, I made arrangements for a funeral, comforted children, family and friends, didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, dealt with endless visitors and couldn’t believe that the man I loved so much was gone forever. My strong, healthy husband died of a sudden onset of acute bacterial pneumonia.

What I felt at first:

Once the funeral was over and I had completed copious amounts of paper work, reality finally hit. In the warmth of our bedroom, it suddenly occurred to me that he’d never hug me again, never phone me again, never laugh with me again and never say I love you again. My world lay shattered at my feet and I felt there was no reason to live. I couldn’t believe that fate had played such a cruel joke on me. There was such a terrible sense of loss, I was sure that the sun would never shine in my life again. I was scared, lonely and despondent.

What helped:

I received a letter from Turner & Porter giving details about a grief group led by Dr. Bill Webster and I knew that I had to attend and get some help. I obviously wasn’t making much progress on my own. I attended the first class with great apprehension and asked a friend to accompany me for support.

Dr. Webster was so amazing to listen to and I eagerly looked forward to attending the following sessions. Talking with people in similar situations helped me realize that what I was feeling was a normal part of the grieving process and that I wasn’t losing my mind. The friends I formed as a result of the group helped me cope emotionally when times were tough.

What I learned:

I learned that life offers no guarantees and to make the most of each day, even the bad ones. I never hesitate to tell someone that they are important to me or that I love them, because you never know if you will get another chance to tell them. I learned once again that my family and friends are such a wonderful blessing, for without them I could never have endured this tragedy. It helps to realize that in time, while the bad times do not disappear, their intensity and duration is not as severe. I learned that the love David and I shared will never end, but will go on in my heart forever.

What I suggest:

Reach out for help. Connect with others who have experienced a loss and let your friends and family know what your needs are. When possible, allow some time to pass before making any major decisions. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to feel and heal. When the time comes, allow yourself the gift of joy, laughter and living life to the fullest, without any guilt or doubts.

I would like to share a beautiful quote that brought me a certain amount of comfort: “When you can’t make sense of someone leaving, you sometimes try to make sense of what they left behind and it makes it a whole lot easier when what they left you is beautiful”.