Profiles - People on the Journey

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My Story - Orville Marshall

My wife, Bette, and I had been married nearly 55 years when she died. We met when I was stationed in Toronto while serving in the Royal Canadian Air Force during World War 2. Over the next year, while I continued my radar training, the relationship deepened. We became engaged to marry shortly before I went overseas to Africa and Italy. The support, which she provided, including letters and useful gifts, deepened the bond between us and we were married soon after my return from overseas duty.

After I left active service, I went back to school and her support, including financial, was wonderful. Later my career involved a great deal of travel and she coped with the challenges that developed while I was away. Because Bette had poor health, we did not have children and we became more dependent on each other. She had a number of serious medical crises and survived them all except the last one.

What I felt at first:

Because Bette had been very ill many times and recovered, we remained optimistic and we never discussed the possibility that the end of her life might be near. When I learned that she had died during the night, the shock was intense. Somehow I survived the next few days but the intense grief at the cemetery for burial was beyond description. As the difficult days continued, the feeling of grief was almost unbearable. For the first time in my life, I was living alone. I felt abandoned and that there was little hope of ever having a meaningful life again.

What helped:

After a few weeks, I knew that I could not handle my new situation without additional help beyond the support provided by friends and relatives. I checked the Yellow Pages and learned of a grief support organization and found that it was sponsored by a funeral home but not the one which I had used. I made an appointment to talk to a counselor at the funeral home.

She was very supportive and provided some basic information related to grief and its management. She also told me about Bill Webster and his program, which they sponsored in the area where I lived. The next series to be held at this particular funeral home was many weeks away. I was so desperate that I went to another city where Bill was just starting a new series.

When I first attended I did not know what to expect. However, the information that Bill presented and his compassionate concern were very helpful. These sessions were very tearful at times but the small group discussion helped me learn that some of my new feelings were not unique to me. After a few weeks I was having a particularly difficult time and I phoned Bill. He said that he had just started a new series near where I was living and suggested that I attend which I did.

I was surprised at how much my outlook had changed in a few months and I became involved in an entirely different way. I learned more about grief but was still having a very difficult time. Several sessions on a one-to-one basis in Bill Webster’s office helped a great deal.

Among other things, I missed the active social life that Bette and I had with other couples. I became involved with the Among Friends group in its early days and it provided some wonderful experiences even if tears flowed freely at times.

I learned that the healing process is incredibly complex and for me is taking much longer than expected. Continued participation in church services was valuable for me although at times very difficult. Working as a volunteer in a charitable organization helped give my new life a different perspective. The kindly support of my physician was important and I leaned in my case that appropriate medication was essential.

What I suggest:

I would suggest considering working with a grief counselor and perhaps one recommended by a friend.

Because the grief journey is a long and difficult one, search out and accept help from your family, friends, doctor, a church and a grief support group to the extent that you feel comfortable.

Participate in a variety of social activities.

Consider becoming a volunteer in a worthwhile cause to help find meaning in life again. Keep hope alive that things will get better; they will.